The Life and Times of Lordgenome
by GigaBob
Summary: Lordgenome's heavily out of continuity adventures.
1. Chapter 1

LORDGENOME THE GREATEST SPIRAL WARRIOR EVER

Lordgenome was the greatest spiral warrior ever. After the Anti-Spirals blew up Earth, he found a machine called Lagann, which was powered by being awesome. Lordgenome had awesomeness in excess, so he became the leader of the new Earth resistance. They built the Cathedral Terra, a giant spaceship as big as the moon, and the Lazengann, a mecha that had a horn and a tail, as well as an army of other mecha. One day, he decided to get his friends together on his ship and party the night away, but they were interrupted when the Anti-Spiral King returned.

"HA HA! I WILL KILL YOUR PUNY PLANET!" the Anti-Spiral King said. An Ashtunga came and blew up Earth again, and everyone was sad.

"We will have our revenge, Anti-Spirals!" Lordgenome said back. The factories on the Cathedral Terra (which were also powered by awesomeness) built mechas for his friends Kouji, Domon and Shinji (who doesn't suck in this universe). He also built a special mecha for his friend Rob.

"Rob, you are my lifelong friend, so you get a special Gunman." Lordgenome said.

"Rob's the greatest warrior ever!" Shinji added. "In fact I would go gay for you."

"No, that's quite alright." Rob said. "I have nothing against gay people, but I prefer women." He grabbed his hot supermodel wife Joanne and asked Lordgenome to build a mecha for her too.

"She doesn't have any combat experience." Lordgenome said. "Why don't you put her in your Lagann?"

"Yeah, I will do that." Rob and Joanne got in their Gunman, the Super Spiral Megazord, and the Cathedral Terra flew off into outer space. While flying, they found a giant space flea named Lavos.

"I AM LAVOS." Lavos said telepathically.

"You are powerful! If you come with us, I'll build you a sweet mecha." Lordgenome said. He built a small Death Star for Lavos to ride around in. Rob was jealous.

"Why did you build a Death Star for Lavos but not for my wife?" Rob was feeling very angry.

"Because Lavos is a giant space flea with cosmic powers. Your wife is a vapid blonde bimbo!" Lordgenome retorted, and Rob was sad because it was true.

"HA HA HA!" Lavos said. Then a giant stone face showed up.

"LORDGENOME, YOU HAVE TRAVELED FAR, BUT YOU CAN NEVER FIND OUR HOME PLANET." the Anti-Spirals said and twenty Ashtungas showed up.

"Fools! You cannot crush the will of the Spiral race!" Lordgenome hopped in his Gunman and flew to fight the Ashtungas, and was flanked by his friends (except Rob, who was pouting). They killed tons of Mugann, but they lost some of their own warriors in the crossfire.

"Boss no!" Kouji said as the Spiral Boss Borot blew up. "He sucked, but he was my friend."

"Then we will avenge him! Fire the Maelstrom Cannon!" Lordgenome called. The entire Spiral fleet backed up to the Cathedral Terra and and everyone opened fire - the energy formed a galaxy beam and destroyed all the Mugann.

"Take that bitches!" Shinji said as he reached 300% synch with his Spiral Unit 01. "Time to go berserk!" His Eva suddenly got a giant sword, and he started cutting up more Mugann which appeared out of nowhere.

"MY HORDES ARE LIMITLESS!" the Anti-Spiral King said. "And you are using Spiral energy, which will destroy the universe!"

"What you say?" Lordgenome said. The Anti-Spiral King appeared on the bridge of the Cathedral Terra and touched Lordgenome's head. Lordgenome saw himself turning into a giant drill and destroying his entire fleet, more drills formed to try and stop him, but they all got sucked into a giant black hole and destroyed the universe.

"This cannot be!" Lordgenome exclaimed. "This will never happen!"

"IT IS INEVITABLE. THE ONLY WAY TO STOP IT IS TO SUPPRESS YOUR URGES AND BECOME LIKE US."

"No, that will not happen! I will not allow it!" A drill formed on Lordgenome's hand and he impaled the Anti-Spiral King with it. It bled black all over the floor and disappeared.

"Okay, we will find the Anti-Spiral homeworld!" Lordgenome said. Another Cathedral Terra appeared out of nowhere.

"What deviltry is this!" Lordgenome exclaimed. He received a call from the other Cathedral Terra, which was instead called the Chouginga Dai-Gurren.

"Lordgenome! I am Garlock, and I am here to help you!" The captain of the other ship was from 1000 years in the future of an alternate universe. He failed at defeating the Anti-Spiral King, so he decided to recruit more Spiral warriors to help him.

"Lead the way!" Lordgenome said.

"No, I will not allow it!" Rob came back, horribly mutated by the Anti-Spiral King. "The Anti-Spiral King raped me, but I liked it and now I am his bitch!"

"Rob no!" Lordgenome said as Rob impaled Kiva. "Kiva no! She was hot!" Lordgenome screamed.

"I will take care of it!" and Lavos blasted Rob with its Death Star superlaser. The Cathedral Terra's self-repair nanites activated and instantly healed all damage, but Rob was still dead.

"That's what you get for being a bitch Rob!" Lordgenome laughed, and everyone else laughed with him.

"Okay Lordgenome, let's go!" Garlock opened a portal to the Anti-Spiral dimension, and both flagships went through.

"IMPOSSIBLE! YOU HAVE FOUND ME!" the Anti-Spiral King said.

"Yes, and now we will fight!" Lordgenome said. "Form the ultimate Spiral mechas!"

"Tengen Toppa Mazinkaiser!" "Tengen Toppa God Gundam!" "Tengen Toppa Megas XLR!" "Tengen Toppa Unit 01!" "Tengen Toppa Garlock Lagann!" "Tengen Toppa Lavos Death Star!" "Tengen Toppa Genesic GaoGaiGar!" "Tengen Toppa Lazengann!"

The Tengen Toppa mechas all attacked the Gran Zamboa, which was really strong. They took a lot of damage, and TTMXLR fell in battle.

"Coop and Jamie no!" Lordgenome screamed. "Okay, it's time to take things up a notch!" Lordgenome used his Spiral energy to summon the patron saint of awesomeness.

"Tengen Toppa Super Saiyan Goku!" Goku said.

"OHSHIT!" The Granzeboma crapped itself in fear.

"TENGEN TOPPA KAMEHAMEHA!" Goku said and fired a huge drill-shaped Kamehameha at the Granzamboa.

"Everyone help him out!" Lordgenome said, and everyone joined in. "Tengen Toppa Big Bang Punch!" "Tengen Toppa God Finger!" "Tengen Toppa Lance of Longinus!" "Tengen Toppa Giga Drill Break!" "Tengen Toppa Lavos Death Laser!" "Tengen Toppa Goldion Galaxy Crusher!" "Tengen Toppa Infinity Big Bang Storm!" The last attack was done by Lordgenome, who combined twenty galaxies and fired it at the Granzamboa. The Anti-Spiral King was annihilated into little bits, which were themselves annihilated into little bits.

"We did it! We saved the universe!" everyone said.

"But that means that Kamina will never exist :(" and Garlock faded out of existence because of a time paradox. The rest of the team flew back to Earth.

"Lordgenome, you are the greatest Spiral warrior ever!" everyone said.

"You're damn straight!" Lordgenome said. He had sex with all the women on the planet and made himself immortal for shits and giggles. Lavos used its death star ship to kill Crono and his friends, and him, Lordgenome, Galactus and Unicron get together every Thursday for poker and beer. All of the other Spiral warriors returned to their home dimensions, except for Rob who was dead. Or was he...?


	2. Chapter 2

LORDGENOME THE MOST BADASS MAN ALIVE

100 years after defeating the Anti-Spiral King, Lordgenome the greatest Spiral warrior ever was getting bored. The world was at peace, but peace meant that there was no one to fight.

"This sucks." Lordgenome said. "If I can't fight anything soon, I'll turn into a tyrannical dictator like my alternate-universe self!"

"Do not worry, my King!" Wormtongue, his advisor, said. "I hear there is a war brewing in England!"

"Shut up you!" and he had Wormtongue decapitated with a Giga Drill Breaker. "I don't know why I hired him in the first place."

"My liege! I have a message for you!" One of his other advisors came in with a note. It was written in Japanese, but immortality gave him time to learn a lot of language.

"A formal challenge to... a card game?" Lordgenome said. "What is a card game?"

"It is serious business, my liege." the advisor said. "The challenger is none other than Yugi Muto, the King of Games."

"King of Games? Pfah! No other man is King!" Lordgenome said. He punched his throne, and his harem transformed into drills and opened the way to his Lazengann. "I'm going to go to Japan and open a royal can of whoop-ass on him!" He got into his Lazengann and put the core drill in, then flew to Japan.

***

Lordgenome landed in Japan. He landed on a whiny teenager with magical eye powers, and everyone cheered, except for one person.

"Lelouch no!" Kallen said. "He was a vital member of the resistance!"

"Why is there a resistance in Japan if I am ruler?" Lordgenome asked. "I killed the Emperor of Britannia 20 years ago."

"Oh, right. Well, that was a huge fucking waste of time." Kallen said and walked off.

Lordgenome power-walked to the Kame Game Shop, where he found an old man with a weird hairstyle.

"Oh Black Luster Soldier, no one must- Oh, hi there." the old man said.

"I am looking for the false king known as Yugi Muto!" Lordgenome bellowed.

"You and everyone else... Yugi! Come down here!"

"Hold on a second! I'm making myself presentably fabulous!" Yugi shouted back.

"You know, I like you. Yugi needs more friends like you." Grandpa said to Lordgenome. Lordgenome grimaced in disgust. Yugi came down the stairs.

"You! You have no right to the name of King!" Lordgenome pointed at Yugi, and shot finger-beams at him. Yugi did a barrel roll and dodged the lasers.

"Wait! If you have a beef with me, we have to settle it with a children's card game!" Yugi said.

"Very well then. I shall crush you in your own game!"

"Uhh... do you have a deck?" Yugi asked.

"Of course!" Lordgenome clapped his hands and created a Yu-Gi-Oh deck with Spiral energy. It was twenty times as badass as any other deck.

"It's time to duel!" Yugi transformed into Yami, with lots of flashy special effects. Then he pulled up a table and set a Yugioh card mat on it.

"What, no flashy holograms or Shadow Games or anything?" Grandpa asked.

"It's a *bleep*in fanfic, we can't afford that shit!" Yami said. "Now, since I'm nice, you can go first."

"Very well then." Lordgenome drew six cards. "I will play Row Row Fight The Power! As long as it's on the field, all of my monsters get a 1000 ATK boost! And I'll also play Gurren in attack mode!" Lordgenome placed his card down.

"You know, I probably shouldn't have let you create your own deck." Yami said. "I play the Distracted Celtic Guardian in defense mode."

"My turn!" Lordgenome drew a card. "I place a card face down, and I have Gurren attack your Distracted Celtic Guardian! Gurren's special ability lets me deal 1000 damage to your Life Points even if the monster's in defense mode!"

"Yep, you're definitely cheating." Yami said. "That's why I'm going to cheat too! I play the Dark Magician without tributing, just like the old days!"

"You activated my Trap Card! Nuke The Site From Orbit!" An ominous light bathed the house. "Oh, I may have forgot to mention that it wasn't a trap card."

"Ha! You think something like an orbital laser cannon will stop me?" Yami said. "I'm the main character! Nothing can beat me, unless it's plot-relevant!"

"You said it yourself: you're in a fanfic. That means I make the rules." Lordgenome exited the game shop as a giant green laser vaporized it. He walked away unflinchingly. "Yep, adding that GPS-targetted orbital lasers to the Cathedral Terra was definitely worth it."

"Yugi no!" Yugi's friend Joey showed up to witness the carnage. "Damn you Lordgenome! Damn you to hell!" Then Marik and Florence showed up and started laughing, though Marik was disappointed that he couldn't finish him off in a card game.

"Why would you do that!" Marik screamed. He pointed his rod at Lordgenome.

"Put that away! I have no desire to see it!" Lordgenome made the Millennium Rod blow up with his mind. "And that thing was ugly too."

"Lordgenome, you are the most dapper chap on God's good earth." Florence said.

"Damn straight!" Lordgenome said. He got back in his Lazengann and he flew back to Teppelin.

"How did the card game go, your majesty?"

"Excellent- wait a minute." Lordgenome looked at his advisor. It was none other than Zombie Wormtongue! "You!"

"Yes, me! I was brought back by my master... Evil Rob!" Zombie Wormtongue laughed, but Lordgenome hit him with the Omega Sanction so that he would never return.

"Evil Rob..." Lordgenome muttered. "Is it possible? Has he been resurrected somehow?"


	3. Chapter 3

LORDGENOME THE BEST FIGURE SKATER IN LITHUANIA

Lordgenome was lounging on his throne thinking of chumpits one day when his new advisor came in.

"Hey! Listen!" Navi said. "Aliens and monsters are attacking our place!"

"Aliens and monsters, hmm?" Could it be the work of Evil Rob, his mysterious archenemy? Or perhaps a remaining fleet of the Anti-Spirals, who Lordgenome heroically killed to save the universe?

"Look!" Navi somehow pointed at the door, where a science monster shambled in.

"ZONDER..." the monster said. It absorbed one of Lordgenome's harem and mutated into a half-man half-woman monster wearing a purple cloak.

"Baron Ashura!" Lordgenome exclaimed. He grabbed another one of his harem and turned her into a Giga Drill, and the two men attacked each other with Giga Drills.

"LORDGENOME! THE COMBINE WISH TO EXTEND AN OFFER TO YOU! IF YOU AGREE TO HAND OVER CONTROL OF THIS PLANET PEACEFULLY, WE WON'T ZONDERIZE ANYONE!" Baron Ashura said.

"I won't give you the pleasure of a response!" Lordgenome said and broke Baron Ashura's Giga Drill. He used Spiral energy to purify the remains of the monster. His harem girl was unharmed.

"Listen! The Combine and Zonders have teamed up! And Evil Rob is possibly behind it all!" Navi shrieked.

"Indeed. I may need help on this one. Harem girl!" He pointed at one of his girls, but accidentally shot finger-beams at her and bruised her head a bit. But she was okay. After all, his harem was made up entirely of clones of Yoko. "Sorry, that happens sometimes. Harem girl! Get me... John Freeman!"

***

_John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place._

John Freeman remembered these words as he fought demons in hell with the Doomguy. The Doomguy had brought an extra BFG, and they were killing cyberdemons with the rocket missiles.

"I cannot catch a break!" John Freeman said. "I sacrificed myself to save the humens, but then I have to kill demons in hell!" The Doomguy nodded in agreement.

"What's the matter you are very quiet Doomguy." John Freeman asked.

"It's because... I AM THE DEMONS!" The Doomguy ripped off his helmet, and his face was a giant toothy grin with an eyeball on his tongue. John Freeman shot his BFG at the demon Doomguy, but he had the invincibility cheat on.

"Do not fear, John Freeman!" A perception teleport hole opened up, and Lordgenome leapt from it and Falcon Punched the demon Doomguy. "Before you go to your final rest, I have one favour I'd like to ask of you."

"What is it?" John Freeman asked.

"I require your help in repelling an invasion of Combine-Zonders."

"I will help you and face more than full life consequences because I am John Freeman!" John Freeman said because he was John Freeman.

"Yes... Anyways, let's go." Lordgenome and John Freeman leapt into the perception teleport hole. The demon Doomguy attempted to follow them, but he was cut in half when the portal shut.

"My harem will clean that up." Lordgenome pointed to his harem girls, who flinched. "Navi, where are they landing?"

"Look!" Navi pointed to a giant world map of the Earth. The aliens looked like they were landing in New York.

"That is good because we will have Spider-Man to help us!" John Freeman said.

"Unfortunately, Spider-Man doesn't exist in this universe." Lordgenome said. "Not yet, anyways... Navi! Remind me to create Spider-Man when I get back!"

"Yes sir!" Navi said. "Your transportation is ready!" The throne room opened up and the Lazengann rose up. It had a sidecar attached to the head for John Freeman to ride in.

"What? Who installed that?" Lordgenome bellowed. "Bring him here!"

"Uh, it was me Your Highness..." A nerdy young man stepped into the room. "It was the most practical option..."

"I see. Navi! Activate routine Across!" A hole opened up in the floor, and the man fell through it.

***

Lordgenome and John Freeman arrived in New York. They ditched the sidecar because it looked stupid.

"Look, it's a Combine ship!" John Freeman pointed at the giant alien ship hovering in the skies of the Big Apple.

"Yes, I noticed that." Lordgenome said. He cracked his neck and knuckles. "Looks like there's an infestation... and we're Pest Control."

Lordgenome and John Freeman flew to the Combine ship. Zonders were pouring out of it, but John Freeman blasted most of them with his BFG. But he ran out of ammo.

"Oh no I am out of ammo!" John Freeman gasped and threw his gun to the side, killing twenty more Zonders with the explosion.

"You're not known for your witty retorts, are you." Lordgenome snarked.

"I have one! I have to kill fast... and bullets too slow." John Freeman leapt from the Lazengann and started beating up Zonders with his bear hands.

"Old hat, John Freeman! Let me show you how it's really done." Lordgenome flew around and vivisected a Zonder with a headbutt. He set the Lazengann to auto-pilot so that it also could kill Zonders. A Strider dropped from the ship, but it got blasted too.

"LORDGENOME..." a Zonder said. "WE WILL ASSIMILATE YOU. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. ZONDER..."

"Shit, they've teamed up with the Borg too!" Lordgenome said.

"NO, WE'RE JUST FEELING UNORIGINAL TODAY." Lordgenome ripped out the throat of that Zonder, then got in it. His manly powers overcame the Zonder metal, and he purified it into a Zonder Combine Gunman. It started absorbing more Zonders, until it was as large as Teppelin.

"Arc-Lazengann! Use Hyper Beam on the Combine Ship!" Lordgenome ordered.

"ARC-LAZENGANN!" Arc-Lazengann shot a drill beam at the Combine ship, destroying its engine and causing it to hurtle to the ground. John Freeman picked up the falling ship and threw it into the ocean, but the explosion caused a tidal wave that took out some homes on the coast.

"Shit." Lordgenome got back into Lazengann and flew off as quickly as he could. Arc-Lazengann and John Freeman got together and flew off into the stars. Sometimes they join the Thursday night poker games.


	4. Chapter 4

LORDGENOME THE NUMBER ONE DIME

It was a hot day. Lordgenome was getting some backlash for running away from the Combine attack, but he had lots of money so he personally paid to fix everything destroyed in the attack. Also, he still didn't have any answers about who brought the Zonder-Combine forces to Earth, nor on the whereabouts of Evil Rob. And to top it all off, the air conditioning in Teppelin wasn't working. It had been a pretty shitty couple of weeks.

"Here my king, let me fan you some more." One of his harem girls was fanning him with a giant leaf, but it was a temporary relief at best.

"Damn it! I need answers!" Lordgenome said. "Navi!"

"Hey!" Navi flew into the room.

"Navi, do we have any new information on Evil Rob?"

"We have not received any information in the ten minutes since you last called me, sir." Navi flew off.

"You know what? I need a vacation. Harem girls! We're going to Florida!"

"Yay!" The harem girls jumped up and down. Lordgenome was entranced by their jiggling breasts for a moment, but he was snapped back to reality when his old friend and trusted general Guame came in.

"Sir! May I come too?" Guame asked.

"I'm afraid not. While I'm gone, I need you to hold down the fort."

"It would be an honour, sir." Guame bowed respectfully as Lordgenome and the harem girls exited.

***

Lordgenome and his harem exited the Dai-Gunten, onto the beaches of Florida. Surf, sand, even more hot babes to recruit into his harem... but he couldn't do that. He only had eyes for his six Yokos.

"Sir! Permission to go swimming, sir!" Yoko 6 asked.

"Be my guest. I think I'll get myself something to eat." The Yokos went off to swim, while Lordgenome searched for a vendor of some sort. He saw a man with a hot-dog cart.

"You! Give me twenty hot dogs with all the fixings!" Lordgenome ordered. Spiral energy demanded a lot of calories.

"Of course, sir. That'll be... $40.75."

"What? Do you know who I am!" Lordgenome said. "I'm your king! I have no need to pay for food! You should be honoured to feed me!"

"Well, with the amount of scenery you're chewing there, I'd say that you're feeding yourself." the vendor said. "But I gotta feed my family. And I can't feed them these 'cause they're secretly made of people, and we're strictly anti-cannibalism."

"Very well!" Lordgenome fished a 40.75 dollar bill from his pocket and gave it to the vendor. "Consider yourself lucky that you still have your head."

"Yeah, whatever." The vendor handed Lordgenome his hot dogs. Lordgenome walked over to two of his Yokos, who were tanning on the beach.

"Does this swimsuit make me look fat?" Yoko 3 asked. "Because Yoko 6 says it does."

"Of course not." Lordgenome said, wisely not choosing to mention that they're identical clones. He chowed down on a hot dog instead, watching the Yokos in the water. He was definitely feeling more relaxed, but something was nagging at him...

Something hit the beach, scattering sand everywhere. Lordgenome looked out to the east, and saw an aircraft carrier swiftly approaching the beach. Several armed soldiers leapt out of sand dunes, with their weapons trained on Lordgenome.

"Spiral King Lordgenome, you are under arrest for making and distributing counterfeit money." One of the soldiers grabbed handcuffs and slowly approached Lordgenome.

"Under arrest? I'm the damn King of the entire world! You can't put me under arrest!" Lordgenome said.

"Among other things, the Magna Carta says that kings can be held accountable by their own laws!" one of the soldiers said.

"Spare me your fifth-grade history lessons!" Lordgenome said as he punted the man over the horizon. He approached the other soldiers, but they pointed their weapons at the Yokos.

"Don't move, or we'll shoot them!" the soldiers warned.

Lordgenome grinned. "Go ahead. Give it a try." Before he could even pull the trigger, the soldier's neck had been snapped between Yoko 3's legs, while another soldier had Yoko 4's arm through his torso. Lordgenome flash-stepped behind another soldier and poked him in the back, making him explode and splattering everyone with ludicrous amounts of blood and guts.

"Re... retreat!" The remaining soldiers scrambled away, not even bothering to shoot them. The other Yokos made their way back to Lordgenome. He looked down at his plate of hot dogs, which had been ruined by sand and gibs.

"Those bastards ruined my hot dogs." Lordgenome cracked his knuckles. "Now it's personal."

The Yokos all grabbed their guns from hammerspace and started shooting at the aircraft carrier. Lordgenone started running toward it, moving fast enough to run over water. The carrier tried shooting him, but naturally he was too small a target to hit, and even if they did hit him, he would've shrugged it off. He climbed up the hull of the carrier with his bare hands as soldiers futilely tried to shoot him - no mere bullet could harm the Spiral King.

Lordgenome hopped up on the deck, flinging soldiers away like dolls. An F-16 unloaded its guns on him, but he didn't even flinch - he slowly walked over to the jet, bent the machine gun barrels, then walked away as it exploded. A soldier stabbed Lordgenome in the back, but Lordgenome grabbed the knife and threw it at another soldier, then took the soldier that stabbed him and flung him into the ocean.

"You think you're tough, big boy. But you are NOTHING!" A big beefy man stepped onto the deck.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger. My old rival." Lordgenome muttered. "Why are you here?"

"I had to get offshore. My body ached for the open ocean again."

"And the whole bastard kid thing doesn't help, I'm sure."

"WAAAARRRRGH!" Arnold hulked out and ran at Lordgenome. The two men got into a very homoerotic grappling match, but Lordgenome won by shoving his fist down Arnold's throat and unloading his finger-beams into his gullet.

"I'll see you in Hell!" Arnold choked out.

"No, you won't. I'm immortal, remember?" A shot from one of the Yokos hit Arnold, knocking him into the ocean. He subsequently exploded, damaging the hull even further.

"Sometimes, my life is absurd. Sometimes it is awesome. Today, it is both." Lordgenome said.

"That was a terrible one-liner!" a soldier said.

Lordgenome walked over to the man... and said "You have balls, my friend." and kept walking. He climbed up to the bridge.

"You!" the captain said. "You've damaged my ship, killed my men, and you even murdered a famous movie star! All I can ask is... why?"

Lordgenome grabbed the captain by the neck. "So that you can replace my damn hot dogs." He set the captain down. "Get me some hot dogs in 5 minutes, or I'll make you wish you were dead."

***

Lordgenome and the harem were back in his throne room, all happily munching on hot dogs. The air conditioner repairman joined them.

"Okay, it's all fixed. I'll send the bill to your secretary, sir." The repairman exited the room.

"So, what was the point of that whole ordeal?" Yoko 2 asked. "It seemed kinda like... filler to me."

"The point is, never get between a man and his food." Lordgenome said, and they all laughed.


	5. Chapter 5

LORDGENOME CAN BREATHE IN SPACE

Lordgenome was lounging in his throne with his Yoko harem when he noticed something black on the horizon. He looked out the window and saw the darkness spreading, until the entire sky was black. But the darkness was pulsating erratically, and beams of lights rained down from it.

"Hey! That's the main Combine attack force!" Navi said. Sure enough, a few Combine soldiers burst into the throne room and shot Yoko 5 dead.

"Yoko 5 no!" Lordgenome cried. He looked at the Combine soldiers. "My name is Lordgenome. You killed my harem girl. Prepare to die." He grabbed one Combine and ripped it in half, then threw each half at the other two soldiers. They exploded for some reason.

"Yoko 5!" The other Yokos held their fallen sister-clone. She was alive, but barely.

"Spiral King... was I... of service...?" she sputtered. She took her last breath, and moved no more. Lordgenome looked at her, and a single drop of testosterone fell from his eye.

"Alfred. See to it that Yoko 5 is buried with full honours." Lordgenome said as Alfred appeared from nowhere.

"Of course, sir." Alfred wrapped her in a Team Gurren-patterned sheet and took her away. Lordgenome stood in silence for a few minutes.

"Mark my words, Evil Rob. You Will PAY FOR THIS!" Lordgenome pointed at the ceiling of Teppelin, which exploded from Lordgenome's sheer anger. A beam of Spiral energy shot from Teppelin, destroying a chunk of the Combine fleet overhead.

"Activate manual controls!" A console with multiple joysticks rose from an opening in the floor. "Harem girls! I'm leaving you in charge of Teppelin's controls. Use them well. As for me..." Lordgenome cracked his knuckles. "Never send a Gunman to do a man's job." Lordgenome leapt directly upward. Teppelin caught him and threw him into low orbit, where the majority of the Combine fleet was stationed.

"HA! What can a single man do to our fleet?" one Combine said.

"THIS!" Lordgenome said, loud enough that they could hear him even though he was in space. Lordgenome punched through a ship's hull and threw it at another ship, causing a massive explosion. Through the temporary hole in the fleet, Lordgenome saw lasers and drills galore being fired from the surface. The Yokos were just as angry as he was, and their anger was fueling Teppelin's Spiral gauge and giving it a ton of power. Lordgenome laughed in space and shot finger-beams at another ship, which exploded silently.

Several Combine ships flanked him and fired antimatter weapons at him, and he couldn't dodge in time. The weapons hit him and caused another massive explosion, but when the smoke cleared, Lordgenome was unharmed.

"Do you think that your puny weapons can harm ME?" Lordgenome boasted as his head burst into flames. He started firing energy drills and finger-beams at the ships, destroying large chunks at a time. But the Combine ships were getting smart, and they managed to dodge a few of his attacks. The surface dakka was still plentiful, but the Combine fleet was immense.

"Give it up, Lordgenome!" Pasder said as Zonders started flooding from the ships. Rather than going after Lordgenome, they instead headed to Earth to wreck shit on the surface. Lordgenome could not allow this, so he directed his attacks at them - but some of them managed to get through.

"Pasder! Why have you allied with the Combine?" Lordgenome wondered.

"My only goal is Mechanization of all life!" Pasder said. "Once my Zonders infect your planet, we will leave peacefully." It was already starting to happen - large patches of Earth were covered in a pinkish-purple moss-type substance.

"I will not allow that to happen!" Lordgenome kept attacking the Zonders, but it was already too late.

"You have lost, Lordgenome!" Pasder said. "Now lay down and die!"

"Fool! I have never lost, and I will never lose! Because I am Lordgenome, the greatest Spiral Warrior ever!" Lordgenome descended back to the surface, landing in the Teppelin throne room. The Yokos were exhausted, and Lordgenome's Four Generals were helming Teppelin's controls.

"These enemies are really pissing me off!" Adiane said.

"The Cathedral Terra needs time to activate, so we'll have to go with the next best thing." Lordgenome said. "Teppelin - activate Routine Gaia." Teppelin morphed into a giant drill and drilled partially into the ground. Green lines spread out from Teppelin's base, expanding rapidly and eventually encompassing the entire Earth, forming a protective Spiral shield. The huge amount of Spiral energy purified the Zonders that had infected it.

"Now! Spiral Gaia Cannon, fire!" The Spiral shield began absorbing energy from the entire planet. The shield slowly shrunk, until all of its energy was condensed into Teppelin. Lordgenome pointed at the Combine mothership, and a beam of brilliant green energy fired from Teppelin.

The beam annihilated almost the entire Combine fleet, including the mothership. The few ships that remained fled - except for one.

"LORDGENOME!" The ship transformed into a giant mechanical Evil Rob. It fell to the surface. It was as tall as Teppelin, which had morphed back into its Gunman form. "I've come back from the grave to get my revenge!"

"So you directed the Combine/Zonder fleet here."

"Yes, but they failed! Fortunately, I have anticipated your every move!" Evil Rob boasted. "I know all of your techniques! All of the weaknesses of all of your Gunmen! Every counter to everything you could ever do!"

"Oh? And what if I do nothing?" Lordgenome asked.

"Then you can watch as I raze this planet, one city at a time!"

"But that would be a hollow victory at best. Could you claim that you truly beat me if I didn't resist in the slightest?"

"Enough of your foolish rantings!" Evil Rob charged up his arm cannon, which he pointed at a nearby city. "Watch as I destroy this city!"

"You won't get the chance." Lordgenome said. "I was just stalling." Suddenly, the area was filled with unfocused green light. The light condensed around Evil Rob's mecha - and a beam of pure Spiral destruction hit Evil Rob, vaporizing most of its body.

"Arrrgh!" Evil Rob gasped. "What- what was that?"

"I installed GPS-targeted lasers in the Cathedral Terra." Lordgenome mentioned. "Like I said, it needed time to activate - and evidently, you didn't take that into consideration." Teppelin picked up the scraps of Evil Rob's mecha. Evil Rob himself jumped from the mecha into Teppelin's throne room.

"No! I won't die, not again!" Evil Rob punched one of the Yokos on his way in, and Lordgenome responded by kneeing him in the stomach. Temporarily stunned, Evil Rob was left open for another attack.

"GIGA! DRILL! OVERLOAD!" Lordgenome formed a drill on his right hand, which split into twenty more drills. Each drill impaled a different part of Evil Rob's body, pinning him to the wall.

"So, who are you working for?" Lordgenome asked. Only Evil Rob's enhanced body was keeping him alive at this point.

"I'll... never tell..." Evil Rob choked out.

"Not only did you confirm that you are in fact working for someone, I think I know who it is." Lordgenome said. "You should've kept your mouth zipped." Lordgenome grabbed Evil Rob's head and squeezed, crushing his skull between Lordgenome's mighty fingers. He shot some finger-beams into the mess for good measure.

"Who do you think he's working for, sir?" Thylimph asked.

"The Anti-Spiral King. Arnold. And now Evil Rob. They were all working for the same person." Lordgenome's head burst into flame again. "Prepare the Cathedral Terra. We're going to the center of the universe."


	6. Chapter 6

LORDGENOME THE SINGULARITY OF AWESOMENESS

The Cathedral Terra was loaded up with everything they could fit on it. The on-board factories were cranking out Space Gunmen as fast as possible, along with weapons and spare parts. The battle at the center of the universe was going to be intense, and they could not afford to skimp on supplies.

"The perception teleportation is ready, sir!" a bridge bunny yelled. "Target: the center of the universe!"

"It will not be that easy." Lordgenome said. "They will try to stop us at every conceivable point. Thylimph! Send all pilots to battle stations!"

"Yes sir!" Thylimph gave the order. The Cathedral Terra's engines roared to life, and the enormous ship flew into a portal. They flew through compressed space for an infinite yet infinitesimal time, and eventually arrived near the center of the universe.

Greeting them was an army. Metal starships, giant organic beings, entities so alien that merely looking upon then caused madness... all collected into the second-most dangerous army in the universe. Only one other force in the cosmos exceeded their raw power... the Lordgenome-dan.

Hundreds of Gunmen poured from the Cathedral Terra, which itself transformed into the Cathedral Lazengann. Immeasurable amounts of dakka were exchanged between the two armies, yet it was still not enough.

"Leopardon and Titan are down!" Viral reported. "Sir, we're taking heavy losses!"

"Their sacrifices will be honoured once our battle is done." Lordgenome said. He fired off a Chouginga Giga Drill Breaker, cutting a path through the thick army. Every single weapon on the Cathedral Lazengann was firing at maximum power, with the Spiral-powered factories providing almost limitless ammunition. Explosions rocked the center of the universe, yet they were far smaller in scale than the last explosion it had seen.

"HEEEEEEEYYYY!" The commlink on the Cathedral Lazengann picked up multiple voices. Lordgenome looked behind him, and saw the cavalry - the other warriors that had fought with him in the Anti-Spiral War, backed up by Garlock's Chouginga Dai-Gurren.

"This battle is so intense, we felt it in the universe over!" Garlock said. "We figured you'd need the help!" The other Spiral warriors immediately started taking out large swaths of the opposing army, and Garlock shifted into Chouginga Gurren-Lagann mode.

"Very well! Then we will fight together, as brothers-in-arms!" Lordgenome said. The two moon-sized mechas combined their drills to form the Double Chouginga Giga Drill Breaker, which destroyed a hefty 1% of the opposing army.

"Sir, we're being overwhelmed!" Viral cried out. "We can't win this battle!"

"Silence, Viral!" Lordgenome roared. "We've come too far already. We must fight to the last man!"

Suddenly, more dimensional gates opened up. Even more Cathedral Lazenganns and Chouginga Gurren-Laganns and such appeared, each adding a considerable amount to the Lordgenome-dan's forces. But the enemies were not blind to this tactic: they too started pulling allies from alternate dimensions to add to their own forces. Soon, they would reach a stalemate where their recruiting would match their destruction: Lordgenome needed a way to wipe everything out in one shot.

"I've got an idea!" an alternate Leeron said. "The Big Bang! Let's start a new Big Bang!

The captains of the various Cathedrals focused their immense wills on one thing: an explosion to dwarf all explosions. The universe heard their call, and a singularity appeared in the middle of the battlefield. As if on cue, the fighting stopped, and the singularity detonated in an explosion so immense that the universe had been created by it billions of years earlier. The beyond white-hot energy destroyed the remainder of both sides' forces and forced the alternate-universe counterparts back to their own dimensions. Yet the Cathedral Lazengann survived by sheer force of will: Lordgenome's immense Spiral signature created a perfect defense around his ship that not even the creation of a new universe could destroy.

"Spiral Nemesis. Hmmph." Lordgenome commented. After twenty minutes, the surrounding area had cooled enough to become relatively safe. The Cathedral Lazengann pressed on, unopposed by neither friend nor foe. Some of the Gunmen had managed to retreat in time, but only ten percent of their hundreds-strong brigade was left intact. It was a massacre, but Lordgenome had no time to grieve - at the very least, the souls of the fallen would provide the spark of life for this new universe.

At the exact position of the first Big Bang was the only other thing to survive the blast - a perfectly circular sphere, roughly the size of a small asteroid, made of an unknown crystal. Lordgenome climbed into the Arc-Lazengann, which he had picked up on the way, and made his way to the sphere. It let him pass through without resistance, but it became impenetrable once he was through.

"Fools. You are locked in here with me." Lordgenome muttered. At the center of the sphere was a small floating island. A figure was seated upon a throne that seemed to extend infinitely. The canopy of the Arc-Lazengann opened, and Lordgenome looked upon the man behind the other forces of evil he had faced. It was a humanoid figure, several times larger than a normal human, with three heads.

"A Big Bang! Why would you create another Big Bang!" one of the heads asked in a Germanic accent.

"YOUR ABUSES OF THE NATURAL LAWS HAVE GONE ON LONG ENOUGH." another head said in a robotic staccato.

"Where everyone else has failed... we will succeed!" the last head said.

"Einstein!" "HAWKING." "Newton!" "HENSHIN!" The three-headed figure was wrapped in light, emerging as a heavily-armored figure with an aura that seemed to bend reality itself.

"Three of the greatest minds in human history, combined into one being." Lordgenome commented. "You were originally created to lead mankind into a new golden age, but your power was too much to contain. I sealed you at the center of the universe, cut off from all contact... but it seems I was not thorough enough."

"The Anti-Spiral King was unable to free us, but he gave us a backdoor for our influence to reach the outside universe." Newton said. "We resurrected Evil Rob as our avatar, but you killed him before our greatest plan was set in motion."

"And what was your 'greatest plan'?"

"THE DESTRUCTION OF REALITY ITSELF." Hawking said. "WE CANNOT SELF-TERMINATE. ONLY THE DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE WILL BRING US REST."

"There is one other way." Lordgenome cracked his knuckles. "I will bring you your peace!" Spiral fire burst from every pore on Lordgenome's body, wreathing him in green flames. Lordgenome flash-stepped behind Hawktonstein and delivered a punch that would make even Bellcross jealous; Hawktonstein's armor absorbed the blow, but a small crack appeared on it.

Hawktonstein fired a cero at Lordgenome, who absorbed the beam with his mouth. He absorbed the entire beam, then pointed at them and fired it back as super finger-beams. Hawktonstein's armor cracked again.

"EAT THIS!" Newton yelled as a galaxy-sized apple fell on Lordgenome. Lordgenome used his Spiral energy to convert it into a giant hot dog, which he threw on top of Hawktonstein.

"FINAL FLASH!" The flames lighting Lordgenome's body gathered between his hands, which he released it as a massive golden beam. Hawktonstein tried to block the beam with the hot dog, but it was useless as a shield: the beam hit Hawktonstein in one of the previous cracks, shattering the armor completely.

"Very well then!" Einstein said. "Second form go! CHOUGATTAI!" Hawktonstein merged with the throne, becoming a giant dragon-like entity with twenty wings.

"How original." Lordgenome jeered. "What, next you'll summon a giant naked blue man out of nowhere?"

"SILENCE!" Dragon-Hawktonstein fired multiple Giga Drills at Lordgenome, but Arc-Lazengann intercepted the blow.

"Arc-Lazengann..." Arc-Lazengann whimpered as life left its body. Lordgenome's anger peaked, and the Spiral flames cloaking his body flared to new heights.

"How dare you." Lordgenome's voice was unnaturally calm. "You've killed my friends." Specters of Boss, Kiva and the fallen pilots of the previous battle appeared behind him. "You've killed my family." Yoko 5 appeared in front of him. "And your goal is to kill... everything." Arc-Lazengann's spirit rose from its fallen body, taking its place in the very back.

"THERE IS NO PURPOSE TO LIFE." Hawktonstein said, its voices unified. "DEATH IS THE TRUE DESIRE OF ALL LIVING BEINGS."

"Don't pull that fauxlosophic shit out on me!" Lordgenome angered back. "You want a purpose for life? Here's one! Killing assholes like you who think everyone secretly wants to die!" Lordgenome pointed his right index finger at Dragon-Hawktonstein, and the specters behind him followed suit. "I don't know about everyone else, but I want to keep living! That's why I made myself fucking immortal! And bastards like you aren't going to ruin that for me!"

Energy surged from the fingertips of all present.

"THESE HANDS OF OURS GLOW WITH AN AWESOME POWER!" Lordgenome screamed. "THE WILL OF ALL LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU!" The energy coalesced, forming drills. "TAKE THIS! OUR SORROW, OUR ANGER AND ALL OF OUR LOVE! SHINING FINGER! GIGA DRILL! BREAKER!" Lordgenome flew at Dragon-Hawktonstein, and the rest followed suit. They combined into a gigantic drill, bigger than the universe itself, which tore through Dragon-Hawktonstein. It screamed in agony, realizing at its moment of death that it, too, still wished to be alive. The ultimate Giga Drill vanished into green light, filling the new universe with Spiral energy - and the potential for new life.

Lordgenome sat in his throne room, his harem lounging by his side. It had been 900 years since that fateful battle. Civilizations had risen and fallen, technology created, lost and rediscovered, and the lingua franca changed like night and day. But even as the world itself changed, the people of Earth had one constant in their lives: Teppelin Tower, the black monolith at the end of the world.

Alfred walked in, a letter tucked underneath his arm. "Sir, I have received a note."

"From who?" Lordgenome asked.

"It is from a Mr. Lavos. It is an invitation to the weekly Thursday night poker game."

Lordgenome smiled. He got off of the ruins of Dragon-Hawktonstein, and the illusory figures vanished. A familiar black ship appeared before him.

"LONG TIME NO SEE." Lavos said. A platform pierced the crystal sphere, and Lordgenome stepped on to it as it returned to the Cathedral Terra.

"I would have preferred a swifter rescue." Lordgenome said.

"WE'LL LEAVE YOU IN THERE IF YOU GIVE US TOO MUCH LIP." Unicron joked back. Lordgenome returned to the bridge of his flagship, looking out into the universe created by his actions. One thousand years was not long enough for life to form in it, but perhaps it would be worth exploring one day.

"Set a course for Earth!" Lordgenome commanded. Despite all of the new possibilities before him, he only had one thing on his mind: going home. "Let the people of Earth know that Lordgenome, the greatest Spiral warrior ever, is coming home!"


End file.
